Top Five Ways The Boy has Tried to Annihilate Me.
1. Blunt Force Trauma. The Boy woke early one fine morning and went in the living room. And what before his wondering eyes should appear – but his new Spongebob shovel (nicely made wooden handle complete with metal spade) that he got for Christmas. He then brought it in to the bedroom, climbed on the bed and tried to rouse me from my slumber with a few well placed whacks.
2. Assault. Now this one is a tricky maneuver, one must dispatch the target without hurting ones self. While I am holding The Boy he gives me a swift (and very painful) kick in the crotch, from which I stumble and nearly go crashing down the stairs to my doom.
3. Use of a deadly weapon. That deadly weapon would be none other than his very own Head. Yep, you heard me…The Boy’s head is solid concrete and when used with force can split lips and bloody noses.
4. Asphyxiation. Another early morning wake up call – The Boy decides the best way to get me to get up would be to stand directly on my throat.
5. Scare Tactics. Possibly the most deadly of them all – the Surprise. The Boy sneaks up on me in the kitchen while I am cleaning, and stands directly behind me. When I go to put something in the garbage I step back without looking -Surprise! I trip, stumble and hit my head on the wall.