And God Said …

To follow up with yesterday’s post about whether the pastor thinks that God would approve of cloning – No, he does not think God would approve.

I am not feeling well today, stuffed up and coughing, so I will leave you now with 2 BQotD (because I forgot yesterday, bad Shna.)

BQotD 1 -From Chookooloonks
* ..is it true that by the time you leave the stylist, your head will be round and smooth? Round and smooth like … well, like this coconut, here?*

BQotD 2 -From WWTDD
*it’s kinda weird that the only people who attack other people with champagne bottles are rappers and Joan Collins.*

I left The Boy in San Francisco.

Actually I left him with my parents … for 3 weeks. HA! He is staying there until I return from Ontario. I slept in today and am eating pie for breakfast. Life is good.

I had a good time visiting everyone back home – My Sisters, parents and Gramie. Unfortunately they didn’t give me any good stories, damn them. A friend of mine from High School had a baby that I got to meet. She was so tiny, I couldn’t believe it. Makes you want to have another one, until you go back home to the screeching banshee and decide against it.

10 days until I get to see Hedder! I am about to freak out. Seriously, if I was anymore excited there would me 3 of me. Now that’s a scary thought.

Speaking of cloning ( Oh shut up) When I was at home I went to church with my mommy. The Sunday school teacher wasn’t there so mom started to teach class. Her idea of teaching is to read the entire lesson aloud. That’s it…boring. About 30 seconds into it I couldn’t take it any more so I took over. Ahhhh. I was trying to spark a discussion, so I would read a little then ask questions. All I got were blank stares. The entire lesson consisted almost entirely of me and my mom talking and me trying to get my cousin involved. Then the Pastor came in…. somehow we had got on the topic of whether or not God would approve of Cloning. So I asked the Pastor who just stared at me and said “what’s today’s lesson about?” So I told him “not that, we got a little off topic.” Then I had to close in prayer. The first time I have ever prayed out loud, it was horrible. There you have it – my first (and last) venture into Sunday School Teaching.

This title goes perfectly with the following post.

I don’t know if anyone noticed (or cared for that matter) but all my post titles were quotes from movies and TV. Yeah I know, I am so cool it’s scary. I tried to match the quote to the post, for example -this post was about my anniversary.
So today I was looking for an old post and I couldn’t find it anywhere. Apparently the use of quotes does not help. After this long and agonizing search I have decided that I will try to make my post titles match my posts. If only to help me later when I finally go off the deep end and can’t remember how to spell my name.

I am leaving tomorrow for the land that internet forgot… my parents house. The Boy and I are going to visit mom and pop for the weekend, therefore I won’t be posting until I return sometime on Sunday. I am so very sorry for your loss. However, when I return I will probably have a good story about my parents. They are very good to me in the laughs department.

BQotD from Mitchieville
*Principal T’Lufu explained to me that the three R’s, reading, writing and arithmetic, have been replaced by three new R’s; Racism studies, Religion of Mother Earth, and Respecting anything that doesn’t involve the white man. This is especially good for me, considering that I really hate white people.*

Awesome, oh wow! Like, totally freak me out!

It is 1:30 in the morning and I am not asleep (obviously, because as awesome as you all know I am, I cannot type while sleeping). No, I am wide awake roaming the internet like some deranged homeless person looking for a suitable bench to park myself on for the night. I have read (and re-read) every blog on my blog roll, plus a few that aren’t, and even that didn’t put me to sleep as it usually does. What’s a girl to do? Well if that girl is me (it is – thank god) then that girl stays up till the wee hours of the morning writing a shitty post for her blog. Which brings us here. Welcome to my own private Idaho. Or something like that.

Now that my sister reads my blog I often stop and think about what I am writing. Horror of horrors – me thinking! Anyhooo, I wonder if I should write the swear words and vile things on here because I would never say those things to her. I can’t recall a time that I have even sworn in front of her….(help me out here if you know otherwise!) but then I think that this is my blog, what’s going on in my head. I think these things, so too damn bad if someone has to read them. That should just let people know me better, understand me, because I don’t censor myself as much here as I do in real life.

*And now it’s Story Time-

When I was in high school I had 2 best friends. Joan and Wanita. We did everything together. We laughed, we cried, we farted. It was great. They were both bridesmaids in my wedding, I called their parents “mom” and “dad”. We were family. Joan lives close to me and we are still great friends. She and her boyfriend are like The Boy’s other parents, they love him , he loves them.
3 years ago Wanita met a boy and they started dating. She went through the usual period of new love where you pretty much diss all your friends to be with the new flame. We understood, we’ve all been there. However, Wanita took it farther. It stretched longer and longer until it seemed that the new flame was more important than anything else. She no longer came to see us, or called us, or even kept plans that we made with her. She would rather hang out alone at her mans house while he was at work than see us. It hurt a lot. Joan and I tried for a year to keep our side of the friendship alive, but Wanita let her flame die out.
Everytime I go home now I see Wanita’s mother and she asks me why I don’t call her anymore. Why don’t I visit her. I used to just laugh it off and tell her to get Wanita to call me. I was looking at pictures of us three today. They made me laugh but I felt very sad.
I don’t know what to say anymore.

BQotD From Blog-a-Rama-Ding-Dong
She commented on my last post to tell me that now knows how to comment. What was amusing is that she put “hoe” instead of “how” so when i first read it I was all what??

Mawage! Mawage is what bwings us togeder today.

This is one of those posts that you just have to dive in to. Not that it’s important or anything, just that in order for me to write something I have to just write and write without over thinking it.
My anniversary is tomorrow – 3 years of Wedded Bliss. Bliss I say, bliss! The Hubband is taking me out to dinner (yay) and The Boy is going to a sitter (double yay). There couldn’t be a better present – food and toddler free time.
On Friday The Boy and I are going to visit my parents for the weekend and The Boy is staying there for 3 weeks! Then in April I am going to visit the coolest friend ever (shout out to Heddar) for a week of debauchery. Ha. I am so excited about this, excited to the max. Hold on to your g-string Chippendale, here we come!
This post is excruciatingly boring but that’s what you get when you let Shna loose on the computer – aka the “pacuter” courtesy of The Boy.

BQotD From WaiterRant
And if you don’t know what Soylent Green is, don’t worry.
Its organic.

Getting old ain’t for sissies.

Today is the day that the world was changed for the better. No need to thank me…. just send Cake.

BQotD from Mr. Nice Guy
*this is my number one argument against hiring a nanny: if i, the biological father, can barely refrain from strangling my baby with acid-dipped piano wire, how on earth can i leave her with a stranger that has no reflexive yen to let her live?*

A Letter to my Mother

Dear Mom

When I called you last night I didn’t expect to have the conversation that we did. It wasn’t particularly enlightening or revolutionary, it was just easy. I really enjoy talking to you – as much as you seem to think I don’t. I love our chats, I only wish we lived near to each other so I could talk to you more often.

In 2002 when you had your aneurysm, I was devastated. I was out of the country with my new boyfriend working for the summer when he got time off work to drive me over 900 km to see you in the hospital. (This was when I knew he was a keeper.) I came home for a couple of weeks to help Dad so he could go back to work. When you got out of the hospital you needed to be cared for completely. We had to make your meals, help you around because you were very unsteady on your feet, and Dad had to take showers with you (eww) because you refused to do it, and because you needed a hand.

It was strange to be there, taking care of a mother who up until that point had never asked me, or anyone else for that matter, for help with anything. You were independent, outspoken, and fiercely funny. You slowly recovered and are as close to the “old” mom as you will ever be. It’s hard to wrap my mind around what happened to you, it feels almost as though you died and now I have a different mom. You are different but somehow still the same. It’s hard to tell now when you are joking, you have such a dry sense of humour that was hard to spot before! Now you say things that make no sense sometimes, so I often wonder when you are serious or not. Now that I talk to you more and more it’s easier to tell when you are joking.

There are things about you that I notice as different – You’re voice is higher pitched but you still speak your mind. Although now you have almost no impulse control so we get to experience the wonderful awkward – ness that happened when you told a boy at church that had been away at school – “My you’ve gotten fat!”

You always had trouble with words in that you would say dishwasher when you meant fridge, or say dad’s name when talking to me, or run through a list of words until you got the one you wanted, but now that is much worse. Much funnier too, like when you say dishwasher and mean car or when you were first home from the hospital and would call me daughter because you couldn’t remember my name. Well maybe that last one wasn’t really funny.

What was hilarious was when you were in the hospital and I told you I was your favourite so when anyone asked you who I was, that’s what you said “My favourite” Ha, that made me laugh. Also when your sister came to visit and we talked about painting your face like Gene Simmons in KISS while you were sleeping. Good times.

Speaking of good times, I feel that these last few years since your operation have been great. I am forever grateful that we didn’t lose you, and thankful for every moment spent together. I feel that we are closer now than we would have been, that we share more things with each other. I find you telling me things about your life that I never knew ( don’t worry I won’t spill your sordid life story here! hee hee ) and I find myself telling you things I never thought I would share with my mother.

All in all I think this aneurysm was a blessing in disguise. A horrible, terrifying, and downright nasty disguise that brought us as mother and daughter closer together. Truthfully I think we all would have appreciated a blessing that was dressed in something a little more tasteful. Maybe a broken leg, or the flu.

Oh well, we can’t change the past, we can only embrace the future and I know I will be embracing every moment of future I have with you.

Love Shna
(Your Favourite)

How many Assholes we got on this ship, any how?

It’s a new day, or rather night – but hey who’s counting.

We are still unfinished in our quest to move all of our worldly belongings to our new abode. It seems to be taking much longer than anticipated, probably due largely to the fact that we have much more stuff than our home can hold. Why oh why do we need so much stuff? What does one do with it all? We must purge. Purge like Paris Hilton after her tic tac lunch. We must, and we will, just as soon as we stuff it all in here and are unable to move.

Our old landlord keeps forgetting to pick up the rent – now really, when money is involved who ever forgets? Just old people, that’s who. My apologies to any old people who happen to be reading this – cause if you are, obviously you are on a much higher plane of existence than those “other” old people. How many times do I have to tell her to come pick it up? It can’t possibly be that important if she keeps forgetting. Really, if that’s the case can I go and spend it all on hookers and booze, because that’s what I want to do.

BQotD from The Sarcastic Journalist
*As I write, I currently have two frozen bags of boob milk sitting in my freezer. Not impressed? Well, I sure as heck am. One is aptly labeled “mama” and the other “Dolly Pardon.”*

It’s classified. I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.

I heard it through the grapevine!
The grapevine being my father, the thing I heard being that my sister (the older and somewhat wiser one) reads my blog and can’t figure out how to comment. I have a feeling she’s not trying hard enough. That’s the way sisters are you know, they pretend to like what you are doing, pretend to care. At least that’s what I do with my little sister… what? I can’t be the only one…. ok fine then, why don’t you just shut up!
I have some hints for this sister o’ mine if she really wants to know – Hell if she’s even reading this! So Sis, if you want to comment scroll down to the end of this post and you will see where it says “another unprovoked attack from shna” then the time, then it should say something like “If your name rhymes with Dimberley – click here!” You know something easy like that – so Sis, if you are reading this then go ahead and comment. If you aren’t reading this and someone else is they can comment too. Go on it will be fun, show my sister how easy commenting is. How pain free, disease free and wondrous it can be. It is truly wondrous, and you can’t get pregnant even if you do it all the time with complete strangers, which is always a bonus if you ask me. I know you didn’t ask me, but you are reading MY blog so my word is the law. The law I tell you.

BQotD from Random And Odd
*If I had balls I could get in and out of the car with ease and I would be able to drive better. If I had balls I would be able to lift heavy things. – Yes, I am pretty certain I need to get me some balls and my life will be so much easier.*

Meow…Plankton.

So I am sitting here after a nice walk, bored and sleepy. It is freaking delicious outside. I am practically sweating at the mere prospect of summer. I lurve summer.
As you may or may not know – my birthday is coming up this month. I accept checks, money orders and cash. My favourite colours are blues, deep reds and silver. I love chocolate, books and art supplies. There that should be enough info for all of you to decide what to do for my birthday.
My bestest buddy Hedder has it all figured out! She is giving me an awesome gift. It is phenomenal, wonderful and fantastic. She has bought me a round trip ticket to come and visit her in Ontario! YAY! I am beyond excited, I am delirious. I lurve Hedder. Absolutely lurve her.

BQotD from Callaloo Soup
*When I start working again I’ll have to ask Lucas how it works, to be sure I don’t commit any faux pas by kissing (or not kissing) my male boss by mistake.*

She’ll be back.

And I am. Did you miss me? I am sure you spent many a night crying into your pillow at the mere thought of losing me. I know, it’s tough out there without the Shna. Well, have no fear because I am back.

We are pretty much all moved into our new place, just a few things left at the old place. I am so happy here. I love living downtown, I love this apartment, and I love chocolate covered raisins – but that’s another story. This apartment is small and I only wish we had found it earlier so we could live here longer. Try as I might The Boy won’t stop growing and will soon want a room of his own, but I don’t want to move again until we can afford a house. Which should be sometime after The Boy turns 20. Oh well we will deal with that when the time comes. For now I will just bask in the glory that is my apartment. Ha.

BQotD from Mama C-Ta

*Conveniently located directly across the street is, yup that’s right, Cold Stone Creamery bitch. They just opened this fall and how it would sit there tempting me. Neon lights that would shine in the night, calling my name. Mocking me.*