We call this next item “The Fecalator.” One look at it, and the target shits his or her pants.

I am at a loss for new material…so that means you will be subjected to some of my old writings! Ha, there is no escape.
Feel free to critique, praise or worship, all is welcome – mostly the last two but whatever.

First here is a little nonsense story I wrote in my journal-

Once upon a time there was a young moose calf who looked just like a donkey. All the other moose calves laughed and called him names; such as “Donkey!” , “hey you look like a donkey, Ha ha!” and the like. His parents told him the story of the ugly duckling to cheer him up, but in addition to looking like a donkey he was slow, and thought his parents meant he looked like a duck. So he packed up his stuff and ran off to join the navy. However he didn’t do any research and was shocked to discover the navy dealt with water. He couldn’t swim so the moose calf who looked like a donkey met his end in the Baltic Sea.

Wow that was amazing wasn’t it? Totally, I know.
Here is a nonsense poem I wrote about my sister -

Linda Loo Who
Lived In A Shoe
And When She Got
Hungry She Ate
Lots Of Glue.
And When She Got A Dog
She Stepped In The Doo.
And That Made Her Mad.*
*and I don’t mean angry, I mean crazy…

Here are two poems that I wrote seriously.
You know it’s funny how very infrequently I do anything seriously.

-D2-
Checkerboard dreams
piercing the dark.
A long and restless night…
I sleep on the fringes.

-For You-
Love for you
Wonderful.
Description
Makes it less.
What I know
I can’t define.
What I feel
I can’t express.

There, if that didn’t make your day, you are a soulless shell of a human being.
Or, maybe you are just a normal person who doesn’t like crap. Whatever.

When the Governor gets here, call me.

I’m not sure what to write today.

I joined a book club. Now I am currently reading 3 of the 5 books I bought. I have yet to finish one, I have just started reading them all. So for the record I am reading “Talk to the Hand” by Lynne Truss, “French Women don’t get Fat” by Mirelle Guiliano and “Mary Mary” by James Patterson. Exciting stuff I tell ya. I seem to have a very eclectic taste in books.

Either that or I am just crazy.

I have been drawing a lot lately. For those of you who don’t know me very well, I like to consider myself an artist. I was very much into art in High School, so much so that I considered going to an Art College. However, I didn’t think I was good enough and never applied. So over the past few days I have had an itch to draw.

That is my life – Take care of The Boy, Take care of the Hubband, Read, Draw, Repeat. It’s a thrill ride really.
Back to the drawing – I am enjoying it enormously.

That is all.

Damn you vile woman, you’ve impeded my work since the day I escaped your vile womb.

Top Five Ways The Boy has Tried to Annihilate Me.

1. Blunt Force Trauma. The Boy woke early one fine morning and went in the living room. And what before his wondering eyes should appear – but his new Spongebob shovel (nicely made wooden handle complete with metal spade) that he got for Christmas. He then brought it in to the bedroom, climbed on the bed and tried to rouse me from my slumber with a few well placed whacks.

2. Assault. Now this one is a tricky maneuver, one must dispatch the target without hurting ones self. While I am holding The Boy he gives me a swift (and very painful) kick in the crotch, from which I stumble and nearly go crashing down the stairs to my doom.

3. Use of a deadly weapon. That deadly weapon would be none other than his very own Head. Yep, you heard me…The Boy’s head is solid concrete and when used with force can split lips and bloody noses.

4. Asphyxiation. Another early morning wake up call – The Boy decides the best way to get me to get up would be to stand directly on my throat.

5. Scare Tactics. Possibly the most deadly of them all – the Surprise. The Boy sneaks up on me in the kitchen while I am cleaning, and stands directly behind me. When I go to put something in the garbage I step back without looking -Surprise! I trip, stumble and hit my head on the wall.

I’m the coleslaw king of the world!

I was over visiting Mama C-ta and saw that she submitted her sons photos for Jones Soda Labels. So I decided that my kid is just as cute, and submitted him too. So you, my internet minions, go forth and vote!

The Boy in a Suit.
The Boy pointing at a random spot on his belly.
The Boy at Halloween – Sargent Mallard.
The Boy crying because he has hair in his mouth.

Go on….I know you want to.

In Soviet Union only after 2 days can scumbag talk to lawyer.

I have been blog surfing a lot lately, so much safer than regular surfing. I almost never fall off my chair.
I have noticed a lot of this Weird Meme…something like name 5 weird things about yourself. Well, I decided that since most of my blog is dedicated to the weird things about me, I don’t need to do this meme. However I will be doing it just the same.

So here it is 5 Weird Things about me, besides that fact that I am related to this.

1. I am ashamed to admit that at one point in my life – a point in my life where I was a misguided tomboy- that I had….a Rattail. Oh sweet lord my eyes are burning just remembering that. Hey, is that weird or just embarrassing? Hmmm, I’ll let you figure it out.

2. I have a slightly unhealthy obsession with containers. Not Tupperware containers but old tin boxes, mint tins, cigar boxes and just any quirky shaped or coloured container. I see them and I have to have them. I must own a box that I will put in another box for safe keeping. I told you it was slightly unhealthy.

3. I am a huge fan of Arnold Schwarzenegger. No, not the Governator, I much prefer the Terminator. I have most of his movies and can watch them without watching them. You know maybe this one isn’t really weird so much as sad.

4. I snort when I laugh. I don’t find this one weird myself, but the giggling and pointing I get when it happens seems to prove otherwise.

5. I am not what some would call a “crier”. I can’t cry when it’s appropriate, like at Funerals. I am that weirdo stifling her laughter and trying not to say anything. However, if someone hurts my feelings I cry like The Mayor* when he gets kicked in the balls. So in that respect you can call me a crier. Or a wuss, but you shouldn’t kick a person when they’re down.

*my apologies to The Mayor

Candy doesn’t have to have a point. That’s why it’s candy.

In the ever popular vein of childhood games – I have been tagged. Tagged by my forum friend and blogger buddy Francine, go check her out, she makes good soup.

3 Jobs I Have Had
1. Ice Cream Jockey
2. Dish Pig
3. Cook

3 Movies I Could Watch Over and Over
1. Any Arnold movie – I’m kind of a huge freak, I mean fan.
2. The Princess Bride
3. Happy Gilmore

3 Places I have lived (besides where I live now)
1. Tracey Mills, New Brunswick
2. Nantucket, Massachusetts
3. Sudbury, Ontario

3 TV Shows I love to watch
1. House
2. Scrubs
3. Criminal Minds

3 Places I have been on vacation
1. Nova Scotia
2. Niagara Falls – on the Canadian Side, eh!
3. Montreal

3 Websites I Visit Every Day
1. About Scrapping Forum
2. The Chocolate Factory
3. Mitchieville

3 of my favorite foods
1. Chocolate
2. Chocolate Cake
3. Chocolate Cookies

3 Places I’d rather be right now
1. In Ontario holding my newborn Nephew.
2. In Ontario at the movies with my Friend Hedder.
3. Some place hot and sunny with the Hubband.

3 Bloggers I am tagging
1. Hedder
2. Laine
3. Mel1

Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple.

It turns out I even suck at quitting.
I quit my blog at 10:40 am January 19, it is now 1:30 am January 20 and here I am failing to quit.

~I think I’ve said quit too much, I will have to quit that- haHAha~

I have had an overwhelming response* from the people who don’t want me stop blogging. So I won’t. Cause I love you guys. sniff sniff. My friend Heather wrote me a touching note on her blog, and Heather I just want to say you won’t be denied. You are my best friend. You make me a better person. You make me talk about farts much less than if left unchecked. You knew Charlie and his stupid shoes. You deserve a better friend.
My New Years Resolution – be a better friend for Heather, and if that means I have to suck it up -dance like nobody’s watching and blog like nobody’s reading- I will.

*my thanks to the 2 new readers who have dared to come forward –Anonymous, who could really be anyone, (and is probably my sister), come forth and comment again!
And mel1, a new blogger who just started blogging and needs some visitors, so go on over and show her the love! Do it. Do it now!

I hate to be predictable, but I don’t give a shit!

I started this blog because I was bored. I thought it would be fun to share experiences with people on the internet. Maybe make some internet friends, you know stupid stuff like that. I told myself it would be an online journal and I wouldn’t care if nobody read it. Well the truth can come out now. I can’t stand that no one reads my blog. I guess I am not funny or a particularly good writer, so what did I expect. I don’t know…I have been reading a lot of blogs lately and most of the ones I like are just like mine. They don’t talk about anything profound, just everyday observations. Anyway, I am kinda feeling sorry for myself today, having this blog is like leaving your diary open on the lunch table at work and when they find out who wrote it no one bothers to read.
Wow that was depressing….However that being said, I am taking a indefinite leave of absence from my blog. Maybe when I come back I’ll have better stuff to write, or maybe I just won’t care.

*for those of you that do read … Thanks, it meant a lot.

Bye bye for now!

Hey, maybe when I come back I won’t be such a depressing jack ass. That would probably be good.

Hey, I don’t have to put up with this–I’m rich!

I called my parents the other day. I don’t know why, I must be ill. Regardless I had a, shall we say interesting conversation which went something like this -

Me – Hi Dad how are ya?

Dad – Good, what do you want?

Me – Nothing really, just felt like talking to my favourite parents.

Mom – Oh really.
*they like to be on the phone at the same time which can make for a very odd talk.*

Me – yeah, blah blah blah.
*nothing much of consequence was said for a few minutes – don’t worry I’ll skip to the good part*

Mom – Where are Hubband and The Boy?

Me – The Boy is screaming his head off and I have sent the Hubband out for pineapple.

Dad – Mumble Mumble Mumble

Me – What? Mom, where did Dad go I can barely hear him?

Mom – He just stepped away from the phone for a minute.

Me – Oh real nice, can’t even listen to his favourite daughter talk!
* just some family teasing – we love each other really – well mostly*

* So Dad comes back on the phone…*
Dad – Shna, I was right here the whole time – didn’t go anywhere, Dick….and Jane.

Mom – Blah Blah Blah.

Me – Blah bla- Dad! Did you just call me a DICK!?! HA haHA ha HAHA!

Mom – DAD! Ha hAhA

Dad – *Laughing* I meant to say Dork! Dork!

Me – Good one Dad, you caught yourself there didn’t ya -Dick ….and Jane! Ha

Dad – *still laughing* Yeah oops.

Me – Thanks Dad. Adding insult to injury, first my husband punches me in the face, then my Dad calls me a Dick! What a great day!

Don’t touch that squirrel’s nuts!

I am brain dead today – not much different from any other day, I know. I went to town today for groceries – fun fun fun. I am such a wild and crazy guy. I have been reading blogs lately…finding new favourites. One of which is WaiterRant. This blog is well written and extremely funny. It reminds me of cooking and for some terrifying reason, makes me want to go back to work AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH. So go check it out- it’s pretty good.

And now for something completely different -

Yesterday I was standing about an arms length away from The Hubband when he came home from work. He was taking his sweater off when he leaned ever so slightly forward and punched me right in the eye! Poor guy when he got his sweater off there I am, standing there with my glasses dangling around my neck, one hand over my eye, laughing hysterically. He looks at me with a “what the hell” look on his face to which I give the ever popular “You just punched me in the face!” HaHahahhahhahhaha.

The End.

…..for now.

muwahhaaa

You’re gay because you like Coldplay.

Well I took 2 quizzes the other day, one called What’s your Social Dysfunction? and one about my new years resolutions.
The first quiz tells me that my Social Dysfunction is Schizotypal – “you display social deficits and oddities of thinking. Your perception and communication are similar to those of a schizophrenic.” wow. If I wasn’t already depressed I certainly would be now! I am in the non social side of things, but that’s just because I am shy – I never thought I was like a schizophrenic…..anyway.

The other one wasn’t really a quiz so much as a resolution generator – fun nonetheless. Here is what I got

In the year 2006 I resolve to: Invade a small county. Get your resolution here

You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!

It is Friday the 13th and I must blog. If I don’t the world will surely stop revolving.

* Warning! This post contains Farts. Smelly ones. They have been known to cause bleeding of the retinas, psychotic breaks and tears in the space/time continuum. You have been warned. *

How to write an entry for your blog is 10 easy steps

Step 1 – Think of something clever to write.

Step 2 – Recognize that your ideas are bunk and try to think of something else.

Step 3 – Are still thinking when you suddenly let out a huge fart.

Step 4 – Have a brilliant idea and start to type it out when you are forced to leave the room because you cannot stand to be in your own presence.

Step 5 – Come back 2 hours later – Idea is gone and you are left with nothing – again.

Step 6 – Realize the room still faintly smells, decide to get some air freshener.

Step 7 – Can’t remember where you put the air freshener so instead wave your hands around in attempt to disperse the smell.

Step 8 – Decide to forget about a witty, clever or insightful post and instead write about your trouble with tribbles.

Step 9 -Remember that The Trouble with Tribbles was a Star Trek episode – not your real life.

Step 10 – Go have a drink and live to post another day.

When I get angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset. And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset… people die!

It’s late. I am tired and incoherent. However, you may be saddened to note that none of that will keep me from writing. So there.

I was re-reading my list and came upon number 18. Good ol’ number 18 – Forgive someone.
It got me thinking, which is a bad idea at the best of times, but it got me thinking about several things – one of which is this – I hate a lot of people. Some I hate mildly, some I hate vehemently, and others I hate with a passion unknown in this world. My dilemma lies in this, who do I forgive? And since I hate so many, what would possess me to forgive any of them? Do I try to forgive the ones I hate the most? Or should I start off easy with someone who I hate only a little?
Hmmm – this begs a lot more thought.
Maybe this means I will have to go back to my book of wrongs and make a list of why I hate these people. Maybe I should examine the reasons and see if any of them are really worth my hate. Hate is a strong word.

*Completely off topic but this reminded me of a story – My sister and I were talking one day (way back in high school) when my sister brought up a girl from one of her classes. She was saying how much she hated this girl and then said “Ohh I could just kill her.” Completely innocently, not actually planning any elaborate murders at school – when my mother yells from the kitchen “YOU’D BETTER NOT!” Ah, my mother. Gotta love the woman who somehow feels the need to remind her 14 year old “I’m too pretty to get dirty” daughter, not to kill people.*

Well that got me off the whole “I hate everyone” kick, at least for the moment. So I will end this post on an uplifting note.

The snow goose need not bathe to make itself white. Neither need you do anything but be yourself.

-Lao-Tse

There doesn’t that feel better? Aren’t you ready now to take on the world, run for Prime Minister, (Not Liberal I hope!*) get that gender re-assignment surgery, pee in the cup, bungee jump, finally say rubber baby buggy bumper 5 times fast? Go on – you can do it – with the power of words.

*or conservative for that matter. Damn. Everyone sucks so who do I vote for?

Consider that a divorce.

Remember that time we all went to England? You know when we went to see the Queen but got kicked out of Buckingham Palace for Crimes against the Crown….Or was it crimes against nature? Whatever, I can’t remember. Those were good times, good times. It would be nice to go back but we got banned from entering the country for 5 years. We’ve got 3 years left – then it’s back to The Palace baby!
Be there or be square.

It’s like riding a psychotic horse toward a burning stable.

The true story of One Family and their struggle to not take the van out back and put it out of it’s misery. (And yes we mean that in the same sense as when Old Yeller got taken out back…)

The van is old. The van is tired. The van is, as of right now, an amputee.

The intrepid family went to town to run some errands and procure a small amount of nourishment. They were going to hunt for badgers but they were tired from the long day and opted to eat at a restaurant instead.
While there the paternal unit discovered that the maternal unit forgot to buy diapers – the one thing they had originally gone out to get. Ah well, the family steadfastly decided that after lunch they would venture back to the the hell that is the supermarket.
*several minutes, 43 “Mommy?”s, and 43 “What babe?.”s later*
The maternal unit retrieved the diapers and the happy family went merrily home.
However *ominous music begins* as they drove they could hear a disturbing sound…an evil sound. When the delightful family stopped to check their mail the maternal unit noticed a horrible burnt rubber smell. The paternal unit insisted that he had not been doing skids while the maternal unit’s eyes were closed – and so got out to investigate. The paternal unit discovered an odd looking rear wheel…distended, “bulgy” if you will. Regardless of this phenomenon the stalwart family continued home. *ominous music gets louder and Louder and Louder – until* They turned in to their driveway and where the wheel just flies off the van! The wheel had given up and lay a few feet away from the van, smoking and dying.

Now the van is in the hospital, surgery is scheduled for early tomorrow. The van should be up and running on it’s new artificial “leg” sometime in the afternoon, providing everything goes well in surgery and the van doesn’t lose too much fluid. Let us pray.

So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it. – # 3

And Now – My list of 30 things to do this year – Part Three – Because Hedder asked so nicely.

21. Go bowling.
22. Become more informed about the local political parties.
23. Vote.
24. Apologize more.
25. Take an art class.
26. Take my Sisters out for dinner, just the three of us.
27. Start exercising at least 2 times a week.
28. Eat healthier.
29. Read more.
30. Make a list of everything that I’ve done and take myself out to dinner to celebrate my accomplishments.

So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it. – # 2

As promised here is Part Two of my List of 30 Things to do this year-

11. Write a thank-you letter to my mother.
12. Spend a whole day doing something fun with The Hubband and the Boy.
13. Clean out my closet; donate everything I haven’t worn in the past year to charity.
14. Take my nieces out for ice cream individually. Listen to their problems and take them as seriously as I would my own.
15. Write in my blog more often…every time I feel like it.
16. Throw a party and invite everyone I really want to be there. Don’t worry about how they’ll all mingle.
17. Donate blood.
18. Forgive someone.
19. Buy a piece from a struggling artist. It could be worth a lot someday.
20. Have my friends over to play board games -whether they like it or not!.

So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it.

I was surfing (the net, not a wave) the other day and came across this article about things to do this year. Instead of resolutions that you know you won’t keep, make a list of things you want to accomplish. Things that will help to make you a more rounded person. ( not in the I’m 4 feet tall and 300lb sense)
I copied the list and read it over. I liked a lot of the suggestions on said list but I felt for it to be things I want, it had to be tweaked – Shna Style. I deleted some items entirely, changed a few to suit me and then filled in the rest. This list is not in any type of order, everything is equally important.

I present my list of 30 things I want to do this year. Part One of Three.

1. Paint a portrait of my son, husband, self or all three.
2. Go on a drive in an area near me that I don’t know well. Explore. Throw the map out the window.
3. Take a guided tour of the town where I live.
4. Finish all my scrapbook projects.
5. Make an emergency kit for the car. Include all the essentials: flares, bandages, chocolate.
6. Send Valentine’s cards to all my friends.
7. Make a scrapbook of a memorable occasion — a friend’s wedding, surprise birthday party or just an evening out.
8. Tell a stranger to have a nice day.
9. Make more of my own cards for birthdays, holidays, etc.
10. Re-read my favorite childhood book. (Bonus points for reading it aloud to The Boy.)

The moon unit will be divided into two divisions: Moon Unit Alpha and Moon Unit Zappa.

Woke up this morning, took a shower and walked out to the kitchen naked and started doing the dishes. Folded some laundry, tidied up the living room – all naked. Ahh, it was great. I highly recommend doing housework in the wee hours of the morning buck ass nekkid.

The woman I am babysitting for called me yesterday to say she didn’t need me – a friend of hers offered to take her daughter out to the movies – no problem, see you tomorrow.
I get a call this morning – she doesn’t need me today either.
Whatever. No problem really, she is technically my boss so if she wants to give me the day off….I’m cool with that. I will be seeing her next week – I think!

Speaking of naked ( see above) – Went in to town the other day and forgot to bring the diaper bag for the Boy. Needless to say he shat himself. Twice. So no diapers, send the Hubband to clean him off as best he can and then the Boy went commando. Oh baby, he didn’t have to pee or poop at all after that. He didn’t go till 4 hours later at home. We had company and he was so excited he peed on the kitchen floor! We are very proud of him for going as long as he did, and we think (or rather hope) that had he not been so excited he would have told us he needed to pee.

Found out that The Mayor of Mitchieville has discovered my dirty little secret. I am a silent lurker on his blog and I have linked him from mine. Nothing new really, I am a lurker on most of the blogs I read. Seems that I am just as shy in the anonymous realm of the internet as I am in real life. I know it’s stupid, and no way to make friends, but I still have trouble talking to people before they talk to me. In real life and here I still seem to need the people to make the first move. How depressing.
Anyhoo – Thanks for mentioning me Mayor, you just might see me in your ol’ comments box one day. Look out.

Three feet of angry.

Some random things for you….

Bored.

I am babysitting later today. It should be interesting, I have not babysat anyone (other than family) since I was in grade 10. And I did not like it. Other peoples kids annoy me for the most part. This will be different I hope.

I watched the new show “Four Kings” last night. Regardless of what other people say, I liked it. I guess I just like anything Seth Green. I love that guy…so tiny, so cute, so funny.

I finished reading the Coronation Street book the Hubband gave me for Christmas a few days ago. It was 1000 pages long…whew. It was good, very informative and interesting.

The Boy is watching the cartoon “George Shrinks” – about a boy who is only a few inches tall – whose last name is Shrinks, how clever. I don’t like it.

Ham Sandwich. Yum Yum.

A writer? What do you have to write about? You’re not oppressed.

I have been trying to write something, anything at all, but the “good writing” section of my brain has gone on vacation. I use the term “good” because no one wants to read something written by a person who claims that her writing skills are poor, do they? No. So I go that extra mile (or kilometer for my fellow Canucks) and lead you to believe I am -at the very least- a good writer.

Unfortunately that means that you are left with the rest of my brain, which is mostly full of Zuma, Corrie, Harry Potter, and farts.

I really can’t think of anything remotely interesting to write.
I’m pretty sure no one cares about my obsession with scrapbooking, my ability to sleep almost the whole day,
my son’s poop schedule, or my super powers – which include but are not limited to -

• Night visions
• Deciphering messages sent to me my my sleeping husband
• Translating the true meaning of Stonehenge (which I am not at liberty to disclose)
• Ability to watch most any Arnold movie and know everything that is about to happen….before it happens (I know…creepy!)
• Understanding the Boy’s garbled attempts at frenglish
• Sonic farts.

There you have it. Nothing good to write so hopefully Janet* will be back from Holiday soon!

* Janet is the “good writing” part of my brain. Yes I named her. So shut up.

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

HAPPY FREAKIN’ NEW YEAR!

Well it is finally 2006, isn’t that special.
What could possibly be more special you ask?

This!

My Brother* and his wife had a baby December 30th at 11 am. A baby boy, weighing in at 7lbs 13oz, and 21 1/2 inches long….whoooooo hoooooo. He is absolutely adorable, as you can tell from the picture above.

Don’t be too jealous, you can’t all be as beautiful as our family.

*he’s really my brother-in-law, but we are close so I like to think of him as my homeboy. I know I am wierd but I can’t help it!